Shawn Berman

three poems

WATCHING BLUE VELVET FOR THE FIRST TIME WE CAN’T HELP BUT THINK DAVID LYNCH YOU CRAZY BASTARD YOU


 

and then there’s all those scenes with dennis hopper

 

where he sucks up an unspecified drug through

 

a freaking gas mask

 

turning into a completely different person right before our eyes.

 

but then even more messed up thing about these drug-fueled scenes is that

 

david lynch wanted hopper to inhale legit helium (!!!)

 

like how bonkers is that --

 

to have this deranged dude with a squeaky high voice

 

going around on screen saying

 

baby

 

wants

 

to

 

fuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

 

no thanks.

 

i can do without that.

 

kinda terrifying

 

even more than when you suggested we should get a joint bank account after being married for only six months

 

and i panicked and said maybe we should wait it out a bit.

 

man, you were so pissed. maybe rightfully so? idk.


 

THIS MIGHT SOUND FUNNY TO YOU BUT MY SIGNIFICANT OTHER’S NEWFOUND FUNKO POP OBSESSION IS RUINING OUR LOVE LIFE

 

and when i wake up at night

 

desperate for a glass of water

 

the cast of the avengers surround me

 

peering down from their designated funko shelf

 

thor’s beady black eyes

 

staring straight into my soul

 

as if he’s provoking me

 

saying

 

so much for cutting her off from this stupid habit eh

 

pretty soon your apartment will be covered in us

 

and you’ll be outnumbered 12k to 1, you poor bastard.

 

of course

 

i put up with this because i love you

 

and this too shall pass

 

this dumb hobby of yours

 

but hopefully not before valentine’s day since i already bought you the limited edition

 

12” bulbasaur

 

imported all the way from albany’s target.

 

basically, i’m a man of no principles

 

easily taken advantage of, i guess.

 

ANYWAY THE DENTIST TOLD ME THAT IT’S A GOOD THING I HAVE A BEARD BECAUSE IT’S HIDING MY MEAN JAY LENO CHIN


 

but the worst part is that

 

the dude laughed at his own joke

 

like he was just waiting for a schmuck like me to walk in so

 

he could hit me with a good ole fashion

 

belly chuckle knee slapper.

 

look

 

i’m not offended or anything

 

because

 

all things considered

 

having a jay leno chin isn’t that bad.

 

at least he didn’t tell me that our love expired

 

many moons ago

 

when the tides harmoniously collapsed in on each other:

 

mother nature‘s way of saying

 

you’ve wasted the prime years of your life dating a loser like me

 

who’s into

 

marvel cosplay.

 

ouch.

17 March, 2021

Shawn Berman runs The Daily Drunk. His poetry collection, Once Upon a Blue Shell, is due out this Spring from Close to the Bone. Twitter: @sbb_writer.